16 July 2008
Dream Come True. =)
Alhamdulillah.
Thats all i can say. im so grateful i got best actress. its a dream come true. but what really upsets me is, i cant remember a single thing about that oh so special day. aku pon taktau kenapa aku tak ingat langsung. i do remember some things lah. but not in detail. all i remember is that morning, me n ellisya woke up late, got ready in under 10 minutes, picked up Putra, went to 7-11 sebab nak topup, arrived at school at about 5.20 i suppose, waited for cik mazlyana to come, she came late too.
Then pn vasanthi came, we put our make up on, i did Wei Hung and Dinyang's hair as usual, then pn vasanthi put on make up on me. Then somebody put make up on Wei Hung and made him look like a CLOWN. aiyo. that was the worst part of the morning. i couldnt even look at his face during our last sessions of practice. and pn vasanthi was like "dont worry eza,he's not a clown, he's a puppet" but in my head i had images of him killing me already. Yes, i have issues with clowns,dolls and puppets. but i overcame the puppet thing. just not the doll and clowns. =)
Oh, and we found out that Jordan, our music man was sick or something, so we had to call in Vijay, for last minute replacements. We were all afraid something might just go wrong. And praying for everything to go smoothly.
Cik mazlyana told me that morning, "you can get best actress eza." im like "never lah cikgu, i think you should tell that to erika.she deserves it more than i do." Before we got on the bus, a few good luck wishes and hugs were given from my dearest friends. Then we got on the bus, as i was about to listen to my ipod, pn shima told me to rehearse my lines with putra,since wei hung was doing it with pn vasanthi. so i did, then tiba2 i forgot my lines. and couldnt remember it at all, so i went to catherine and steve,cuz that scene involved them too, baru la ingat lepas cat cakap.fiuh.nasib baik gila. I was telling everyone who had lines with me to just go on with their lines if i forgot mine. I was never as nervous as this before.
Then we arrived in Keat Hwa (ii), berdoa non stop la. heheh. we were 3rd to perform. SMK Jitra first, then Keat Hwa (i) 2nd. Damn, there was this girl from keat hwa, damn hot. But, i kept cool, i have my amin. =) hehe.
After we performed, asma attack as usual, and went in the dewan, pn vasanthi had this look on her face that wasnt really making me relieved. lagi tansion lagi ada la. tapi takpala, i tried my best. Then we had to wait for the results. WAH! sgt mendebarkan masa tu. First they called all the schools to take the sijil penyertaan. Then placings. All 15 of us were on the floor,holding hand, hoping for what we were dreaming of all this while, Labuan. The announcer "and first runner up, SMK J" we were all screaming halfway, and remembered what our teacher said, dont shout yet till they say our name. "and first place, SMK IBRAHIM KMY!"
Oh that moment ment alot to me. I felt a feeling that i didnt feel often. the feeling that i pleased pn vasanthi. Then they announced best performer. I heard "Uncle August from team number 2" So i didnt really give a damn. Then suddenly "Rose Parker, from team number 3." i was like "huh? aku ka? betoi ka weh? and naveen was pushing me and telling me it was really me. hah. bodo gila. naik pentas mcm nak p jumpa clown,teragak2 ja. heh. i winked pn vasanthi, tapi dia tak nampak kot. i got down from the stage, and headed straight towards her to give her a big hug. =)
We had lunch with my mama, and she was like "haa, ni dapat best actress nk jadi pelakon ka." i was quite but i said to myself "kalau ada rezeki,apa salahnya.heh" And she talked to pn vasanthi about my studies la bla bla bla. and pn vasanthi had to make me promise her im gona study hard and all that crap. tapi i'll do it to make mama and pn vasanthi happy. =)
And, for Labuan, i hope to do it again, no wait, BETTER. and make pn vasanthi, pn shima, cik mazlyana,cikgu ramli, and of course my mama who's been ISHing since God knows when, happy.
SMKI NUMBER 1. =)
dengan hati yang pasrah, eza whenever around 9:05 PM 0 comments
03 July 2008
when will they day that someone appreciates me come?
aku sangat tertekan pada saat ini.
boleke ni? aku rasa mcm takbole ja. fine2. im not gonna put my hopes too high for best performer. sbb memang2 confirm im not getting it kan. so, whats the use of me hoping for something i know im not gonna get. tapi at least, at least some praises. selama ini, aku denga ja org puji dia. aku? bila aku nk dipuji? bukan nya aku nk mintak, tp aku rasa cam tak dihargai tau. maybe its just myself, but, i dono, im just too pressured. i dont know why i feel so guilty.i dont know why im feeling guilty. was it my fault shes like this? tapi aku terlalu MANJA? WADAFAK?!! aku yg manja? weyh. tolongla. kau yg tak bole terima kritikan kan? aku pulak yg kena. ISH. i feel like i dont have a part in drama anymore. the limelights on her. and her alone. suma orang pon cakap camtu. kalau camtu, why dint i just kill myself yesterday? kenapa aku stop setengah jalan? sebab im not selfish. i think of others. and aku taknak la sebab aku ja, vasanthi rasa bebanan. aiyo. i feel guilty la babi!! i feel like im so useless. and worthless. heartless too. and oh so unappreciated.
bila aku nk sedar yang aku ni sangatlah berharga pada drama ini. aku masih tertanya2. adakah aku diperlukan?
dengan hati yang pasrah, eza whenever around 8:21 AM 0 comments
19 June 2008
Dont blame me.
Today
AziE (6/19/2008 5:31:29 PM): btw hunie...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:31:47 PM): nowdays u sound so difff...
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:31:53 PM): diff?
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:31:55 PM): why?
AziE (6/19/2008 5:32:57 PM): last tyme u r one of da cheekiest person i noe...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:33:02 PM): but nowdayss....
AziE (6/19/2008 5:33:09 PM): u sound so sadd...
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:33:16 PM): i knw
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:33:20 PM): its the stress
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:33:24 PM): after this is all over
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:33:32 PM): i hope i become the eza i used to be
AziE (6/19/2008 5:33:57 PM): urm..
AziE (6/19/2008 5:34:01 PM): i hope u will...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:34:20 PM): coz wut ilyke about da old eza da most is....
AziE (6/19/2008 5:34:32 PM): she always noe wut she wants...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:34:43 PM): n she alwys try 2 go fo it...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:34:55 PM): n she neva regret although she din get it...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:35:01 PM): coz she tried her best...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:35:19 PM): n ders always a smile from her 2 evry1 around her...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:35:22 PM): all da tyme...
this conversation meant alot to me. i realized that i really have changed. but dont blame me. its the stress and pressure im going through. But im not blaming anyone. I look at vasanthi and see so much stress. u can see it her eyes. and somehow, i feel so guilty. i'm trying so hard to make her happy with the team, tapi macam tak cukup. i think maybe the team needs some prep talking just to make them know where we stand. I dont want to think on the negative side, but please people, we suck. i admit it. we suck. do u want to see the other schools take that trophy, the trophy that belongs to us? haish. aku tansion la ngan korang ni. ngn diri aku pon aku tansion gak. tolong la aku wey. its my last year in drama. and i really want to win. Labuan dey.
dengan hati yang pasrah, eza whenever around 5:58 PM 0 comments
13 June 2008
its all Drama baby!
im not the confident lil bitch i used to be. im just plain eza now. not the one who would always shout out loud how cute and awesome she is, but the one who would just shout and swear. why have things changed. i never thought it would be this hard this year. Adoi! there are just some things that have to change. maybe its just not my time yet. at times i just feel like killing myself for not doing it right. then i ask myself "what for kill yourself?" and my consciousness would reply back "because your not worth it bitch."
I have a scar for every wrong doing i've done for every practice. Today's practice not good enough? _____________ another line on my arm. what about tomorrow? Nope? ______ another red line.
another day another drama,
i wait in patience for a praise,
but in patience it never came,
maybe the name isn't for me,
but i hope one day it'll come for me to see.
Drama SMKI, we can do it babes! We're the best! And no one, not even no f***** from those other schools can. We rock bitches! (:
dengan hati yang pasrah, eza whenever around 8:12 AM 0 comments
10 June 2008
best actress?
as usual, practice started at around 9. and as usual puan shima would come in and force us all to get on the stage. i dont blame her. we're all thick-sculled. theres this new drama teacher, cik mazlyana. comel ja orangnya. suka. shes really nice and friendly. ive had this "crush" on her since i saw her at the koperasi a few months ago. but this isnt about her. its about me.
Eza,
i work my ass off on the stage.and suddenly someone else gets the praises. im not blaming anyone here, she is good. but the part that she plays is easy. i mean, try u being a maid. id love to do that. and could u play a depressed little girl? its hard. damn hard. but i tried my best to make pn vasanthi happy. and for myself.
The Form 6ers came in to watch our play. But the reaction from them was dissapointing. Well yeah we kinda screwed up a lil. But one of them said "i could only see the maid's expressions, the others wernt very expressive." Okey, i took it. I accepted it. Maybe i could fix myself with those comments.
Then pn vasanthi called for her oh so popular semi-circular meeting. She wasnt happy with the rehearsal we had. tapi tak pa la. dengar ja dia beleter. Then the most shocking thing i could ever hear in my drama life came. Pn shima said "i dont see the purpose of eza and wei hung on the stage anymore. I only see ERIKA." Like WTF man? If u dont see the purpose of me on the stage then kick me out of the team lah. I dont know about wei hung, but what she said hurt me deep. How deep? Deep enough that i had to excuse myself and hold my tears till i got to the toilet. I dont cry over crappy stuff, but that just made me feel bad.
Im not saying Erika isnt good. She is. But pn vasanthi and pn shima always tell her she might get best actress. Did they ever tell me that? Nope. I've been wanting it since last year. Not even once. Pn vasanthi said to me once "eza i want you to do the best. i know what u can do." Well yea. But do u know how presurred i am. Even the pengetua spoke to me face to face "saya nak kamu menang.tapi kamu kena balance la studies kamu" WEI MAMPOIIH LA AKU!
and about the how deep.the picture shows it.
dengan hati yang pasrah, eza whenever around 4:35 PM 0 comments
18 May 2008
bestfriends
dengan hati yang pasrah, eza whenever around 9:16 PM 0 comments
26 April 2008
i have a new life.
been a while hasnt it.
lets start again. i have a new life. love=put aside, studies=focusing more. aaa.i've been wondering about my whole life this past few months and today, i realised, "heyy.why dont i just forget what hurts.and begin life with a fresh sweet smile. alright. fine. i was pissed a bit ja with the decision she made. so yea. im single. again. and it feels oh so good. but i think of the memories i had with her everyday,and she meant alot to me.but hell, life's gotta move on kan. she has, why dont i. so forget it eza. forget the other people on ur head. fara ka, zikri ka, amin ka,nisa ka. apa2 ja.hang memang bengong kalau hang buno diri sbb cinta.kan kan kan? whats important now is we'r all friends and im finnaly smiling again. but its not like life is complete. i still miss her. i still smile looking at her pics. fuck. i got my besties. ezrin,faten,wan.afiqah,wawa,nadia,che pah and of course my sayang abg royy! korang memang menggempakkan idop aku.sayang korang forevery weyh.
this is for nisa.
you where there when i needed you,
you where there when i was hurt,
i hope we're still friends,
i wanna see u smile coz u deserve to.
i'll be prayin for you,
and i'll be here for you,
coz what you did to me,
i will never get to be.
this is for zikri
i hope ur happy,
well i guess you are,
take care of my best friend,
coz she means the world to me,
i cant say no i dont love u,
maybe i still do,
but dont mind me,
im just being silly.
this is for ellisya,
kau buat aku gelak,
kau buat aku nangis,
setiap niat aku pada kau hanyalah ikhlas,
tanpa ragu2,
aku kan tolong kau,
aku kan doakan kau,
tapi cana pon,
aku tetap sayang kau.
this is for amin
wait.i cant say anythinng to amin.i love him till this day.
and lastly this is for kak fara
im glad your happy,
i dont ever wanna see u cry,
cheer up,the suns here,
to light up your life and whoever's in it,
im here,
always will be,
why would i after u broke my heart?
coz i love u,yes i still do.
i cant trust myself,
but in this i can,
you're blessed,
with bliss and love,
and forever u will be happy,
dont forget that book of yours,
i'd love to see it,
and remember i wrote this with a smile on my face,
coz u make me smile,from the bottom of my heart.
(this one sucks.sorry)
going,coming,i thought i heard ur voice,but no ones there.quickly im learning to smile again. i can live without you,but its gona hurt when it heals too.
since theres no more you and me, im gona let u go so i can be free. live my life how it should be. i'll be fine without u. but its gona hurt when it heals too.
dengan hati yang pasrah, eza whenever around 3:24 PM 2 comments



