Dont blame me.

Today

AziE (6/19/2008 5:31:29 PM): btw hunie...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:31:47 PM): nowdays u sound so difff...
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:31:53 PM): diff?
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:31:55 PM): why?
AziE (6/19/2008 5:32:57 PM): last tyme u r one of da cheekiest person i noe...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:33:02 PM): but nowdayss....
AziE (6/19/2008 5:33:09 PM): u sound so sadd...
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:33:16 PM): i knw
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:33:20 PM): its the stress
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:33:24 PM): after this is all over
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:33:32 PM): i hope i become the eza i used to be
AziE (6/19/2008 5:33:57 PM): urm..
AziE (6/19/2008 5:34:01 PM): i hope u will...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:34:20 PM): coz wut ilyke about da old eza da most is....
AziE (6/19/2008 5:34:32 PM): she always noe wut she wants...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:34:43 PM): n she alwys try 2 go fo it...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:34:55 PM): n she neva regret although she din get it...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:35:01 PM): coz she tried her best...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:35:19 PM): n ders always a smile from her 2 evry1 around her...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:35:22 PM): all da tyme...

this conversation meant alot to me. i realized that i really have changed. but dont blame me. its the stress and pressure im going through. But im not blaming anyone. I look at vasanthi and see so much stress. u can see it her eyes. and somehow, i feel so guilty. i'm trying so hard to make her happy with the team, tapi macam tak cukup. i think maybe the team needs some prep talking just to make them know where we stand. I dont want to think on the negative side, but please people, we suck. i admit it. we suck. do u want to see the other schools take that trophy, the trophy that belongs to us? haish. aku tansion la ngan korang ni. ngn diri aku pon aku tansion gak. tolong la aku wey. its my last year in drama. and i really want to win. Labuan dey.

its all Drama baby!

im not the confident lil bitch i used to be. im just plain eza now. not the one who would always shout out loud how cute and awesome she is, but the one who would just shout and swear. why have things changed. i never thought it would be this hard this year. Adoi! there are just some things that have to change. maybe its just not my time yet. at times i just feel like killing myself for not doing it right. then i ask myself "what for kill yourself?" and my consciousness would reply back "because your not worth it bitch."

I have a scar for every wrong doing i've done for every practice. Today's practice not good enough? _____________ another line on my arm. what about tomorrow? Nope? ______ another red line.


another day another drama,
i wait in patience for a praise,
but in patience it never came,
maybe the name isn't for me,
but i hope one day it'll come for me to see.


Drama SMKI, we can do it babes! We're the best! And no one, not even no f***** from those other schools can. We rock bitches! (:

best actress?

humph. another day another drama.

as usual, practice started at around 9. and as usual puan shima would come in and force us all to get on the stage. i dont blame her. we're all thick-sculled. theres this new drama teacher, cik mazlyana. comel ja orangnya. suka. shes really nice and friendly. ive had this "crush" on her since i saw her at the koperasi a few months ago. but this isnt about her. its about me.

Eza,
i work my ass off on the stage.and suddenly someone else gets the praises. im not blaming anyone here, she is good. but the part that she plays is easy. i mean, try u being a maid. id love to do that. and could u play a depressed little girl? its hard. damn hard. but i tried my best to make pn vasanthi happy. and for myself.
The Form 6ers came in to watch our play. But the reaction from them was dissapointing. Well yeah we kinda screwed up a lil. But one of them said "i could only see the maid's expressions, the others wernt very expressive." Okey, i took it. I accepted it. Maybe i could fix myself with those comments.
Then pn vasanthi called for her oh so popular semi-circular meeting. She wasnt happy with the rehearsal we had. tapi tak pa la. dengar ja dia beleter. Then the most shocking thing i could ever hear in my drama life came. Pn shima said "i dont see the purpose of eza and wei hung on the stage anymore. I only see ERIKA." Like WTF man? If u dont see the purpose of me on the stage then kick me out of the team lah. I dont know about wei hung, but what she said hurt me deep. How deep? Deep enough that i had to excuse myself and hold my tears till i got to the toilet. I dont cry over crappy stuff, but that just made me feel bad.

Im not saying Erika isnt good. She is. But pn vasanthi and pn shima always tell her she might get best actress. Did they ever tell me that? Nope. I've been wanting it since last year. Not even once. Pn vasanthi said to me once "eza i want you to do the best. i know what u can do." Well yea. But do u know how presurred i am. Even the pengetua spoke to me face to face "saya nak kamu menang.tapi kamu kena balance la studies kamu" WEI MAMPOIIH LA AKU!

and about the how deep.the picture shows it.