Dont blame me.

Today

AziE (6/19/2008 5:31:29 PM): btw hunie...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:31:47 PM): nowdays u sound so difff...
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:31:53 PM): diff?
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:31:55 PM): why?
AziE (6/19/2008 5:32:57 PM): last tyme u r one of da cheekiest person i noe...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:33:02 PM): but nowdayss....
AziE (6/19/2008 5:33:09 PM): u sound so sadd...
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:33:16 PM): i knw
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:33:20 PM): its the stress
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:33:24 PM): after this is all over
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:33:32 PM): i hope i become the eza i used to be
AziE (6/19/2008 5:33:57 PM): urm..
AziE (6/19/2008 5:34:01 PM): i hope u will...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:34:20 PM): coz wut ilyke about da old eza da most is....
AziE (6/19/2008 5:34:32 PM): she always noe wut she wants...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:34:43 PM): n she alwys try 2 go fo it...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:34:55 PM): n she neva regret although she din get it...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:35:01 PM): coz she tried her best...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:35:19 PM): n ders always a smile from her 2 evry1 around her...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:35:22 PM): all da tyme...

this conversation meant alot to me. i realized that i really have changed. but dont blame me. its the stress and pressure im going through. But im not blaming anyone. I look at vasanthi and see so much stress. u can see it her eyes. and somehow, i feel so guilty. i'm trying so hard to make her happy with the team, tapi macam tak cukup. i think maybe the team needs some prep talking just to make them know where we stand. I dont want to think on the negative side, but please people, we suck. i admit it. we suck. do u want to see the other schools take that trophy, the trophy that belongs to us? haish. aku tansion la ngan korang ni. ngn diri aku pon aku tansion gak. tolong la aku wey. its my last year in drama. and i really want to win. Labuan dey.

its all Drama baby!

im not the confident lil bitch i used to be. im just plain eza now. not the one who would always shout out loud how cute and awesome she is, but the one who would just shout and swear. why have things changed. i never thought it would be this hard this year. Adoi! there are just some things that have to change. maybe its just not my time yet. at times i just feel like killing myself for not doing it right. then i ask myself "what for kill yourself?" and my consciousness would reply back "because your not worth it bitch."

I have a scar for every wrong doing i've done for every practice. Today's practice not good enough? _____________ another line on my arm. what about tomorrow? Nope? ______ another red line.


another day another drama,
i wait in patience for a praise,
but in patience it never came,
maybe the name isn't for me,
but i hope one day it'll come for me to see.


Drama SMKI, we can do it babes! We're the best! And no one, not even no f***** from those other schools can. We rock bitches! (:

best actress?

humph. another day another drama.

as usual, practice started at around 9. and as usual puan shima would come in and force us all to get on the stage. i dont blame her. we're all thick-sculled. theres this new drama teacher, cik mazlyana. comel ja orangnya. suka. shes really nice and friendly. ive had this "crush" on her since i saw her at the koperasi a few months ago. but this isnt about her. its about me.

Eza,
i work my ass off on the stage.and suddenly someone else gets the praises. im not blaming anyone here, she is good. but the part that she plays is easy. i mean, try u being a maid. id love to do that. and could u play a depressed little girl? its hard. damn hard. but i tried my best to make pn vasanthi happy. and for myself.
The Form 6ers came in to watch our play. But the reaction from them was dissapointing. Well yeah we kinda screwed up a lil. But one of them said "i could only see the maid's expressions, the others wernt very expressive." Okey, i took it. I accepted it. Maybe i could fix myself with those comments.
Then pn vasanthi called for her oh so popular semi-circular meeting. She wasnt happy with the rehearsal we had. tapi tak pa la. dengar ja dia beleter. Then the most shocking thing i could ever hear in my drama life came. Pn shima said "i dont see the purpose of eza and wei hung on the stage anymore. I only see ERIKA." Like WTF man? If u dont see the purpose of me on the stage then kick me out of the team lah. I dont know about wei hung, but what she said hurt me deep. How deep? Deep enough that i had to excuse myself and hold my tears till i got to the toilet. I dont cry over crappy stuff, but that just made me feel bad.

Im not saying Erika isnt good. She is. But pn vasanthi and pn shima always tell her she might get best actress. Did they ever tell me that? Nope. I've been wanting it since last year. Not even once. Pn vasanthi said to me once "eza i want you to do the best. i know what u can do." Well yea. But do u know how presurred i am. Even the pengetua spoke to me face to face "saya nak kamu menang.tapi kamu kena balance la studies kamu" WEI MAMPOIIH LA AKU!

and about the how deep.the picture shows it.

bestfriends

argh!apsal la aku.apsal aku xley pecayakan kawan baek aku sniri.i mean.gosh.she's my best friend oke.and him too.he's my best friend.takkan dia nk tikam blakang aku kot kan.dia sayang aku kan.aku kena percayakan diorg.putra,putra.i love u.*as a bestfriend*. and please dont stab my back.i know how you do it. but please.i trust u.u trust.kita saling mengetrust. kan kan.ngarot aja.tapi seyes.terus terang aku ckap,aku ni mmg lemah.aku xpnah xpercayakan kawan.kawan itu hidup buat aku.tanpa kawan,aku tidak ada apa2.kawan2ku lah harta ku.tapi apsal arh dia cam marah aku ja.aku buat salah ka.yaya.aku mmg incomplete.tapi tidak pernah ada niat dalam hati aku nk sakitkan kawan2 aku.bukan aku nak kata aku ni mulia,tapi aku x jahat pon.aku jahat kat org yg jahat ngn aku ja.tapi skang i think im learning to control my feelings.but anyways.im sorry for hurting anyone.i suck.yes i do.im aware of that.but you dont have to rub it in anymore.aku nyesal apa yg aku dah buat.tapi aku harapkan kepercayaan yg penuh dari kawan2.aku cuma mahukan kebahagiaan dan keamanan.bukan senyuman2 palsu yg dicoretkan dia muka korang.sedih oh.tapi xpa.aku sabar ja ngn dunia ni.sbb aku tau tuhan mentakdirkan segala yg dilakukan ke atas kita.and setiap apa yg berlaku ada hikmahnya.so aku terima dgn hati terbuka.nnt mata yg masih sepet ini!hehe.skarang masa untuk studyyy.exam mid year wey.susah sial.aku harus usaha.tapi puan zurina ckp aku dah baek dah skang..cewah.bangga sattt. =]

i have a new life.

been a while hasnt it.

lets start again. i have a new life. love=put aside, studies=focusing more. aaa.i've been wondering about my whole life this past few months and today, i realised, "heyy.why dont i just forget what hurts.and begin life with a fresh sweet smile. alright. fine. i was pissed a bit ja with the decision she made. so yea. im single. again. and it feels oh so good. but i think of the memories i had with her everyday,and she meant alot to me.but hell, life's gotta move on kan. she has, why dont i. so forget it eza. forget the other people on ur head. fara ka, zikri ka, amin ka,nisa ka. apa2 ja.hang memang bengong kalau hang buno diri sbb cinta.kan kan kan? whats important now is we'r all friends and im finnaly smiling again. but its not like life is complete. i still miss her. i still smile looking at her pics. fuck. i got my besties. ezrin,faten,wan.afiqah,wawa,nadia,che pah and of course my sayang abg royy! korang memang menggempakkan idop aku.sayang korang forevery weyh.

this is for nisa.

you where there when i needed you,
you where there when i was hurt,
i hope we're still friends,
i wanna see u smile coz u deserve to.
i'll be prayin for you,
and i'll be here for you,
coz what you did to me,
i will never get to be.

this is for zikri

i hope ur happy,
well i guess you are,
take care of my best friend,
coz she means the world to me,
i cant say no i dont love u,
maybe i still do,
but dont mind me,
im just being silly.

this is for ellisya,

kau buat aku gelak,
kau buat aku nangis,
setiap niat aku pada kau hanyalah ikhlas,
tanpa ragu2,
aku kan tolong kau,
aku kan doakan kau,
tapi cana pon,
aku tetap sayang kau.

this is for amin
wait.i cant say anythinng to amin.i love him till this day.

and lastly this is for kak fara

im glad your happy,
i dont ever wanna see u cry,
cheer up,the suns here,
to light up your life and whoever's in it,
im here,
always will be,
why would i after u broke my heart?
coz i love u,yes i still do.
i cant trust myself,
but in this i can,
you're blessed,
with bliss and love,
and forever u will be happy,
dont forget that book of yours,
i'd love to see it,
and remember i wrote this with a smile on my face,
coz u make me smile,from the bottom of my heart.
(this one sucks.sorry)

going,coming,i thought i heard ur voice,but no ones there.quickly im learning to smile again. i can live without you,but its gona hurt when it heals too.
since theres no more you and me, im gona let u go so i can be free. live my life how it should be. i'll be fine without u. but its gona hurt when it heals too.

SMK Ibrahim, a place u cant talk fluent english in. Yes. You CAN'T!

When i first registered in this school a year ago, i thought it was gonna b alright. Since it was a well-knowned school. Well i thought wrong. My first day, i didn't wear my tudungs because i was thinking there were alot of people like me yang akan masuk sekolah tu kan? haha. I was the only one! I arrived, and people gave me stares. Like, u know the type of stares that guilty people get for doing a crime of murdering. Yea, those type of stares.


Okay, my second problem. The stares, they were also given to us who can ACTUALLY SPEAK ENGLISH.. I mean, us Malays. I'm a Malay, and i talk to Chinese and Indians and all the other races. I socialize a lot. But, when a Malay talks to another Malay in English, its so wrong. People will say "weh. dia tu nak tunjuk dia boleh speaking". Dah aku boleh cakap, nak buat camna! Ang dengki pa sgt nak kutuk2 nie. Kan?

Alright, alright. Maybe i'm a bit over on this. But its annoying.. I like to hang with my chinese and in indian friends, is that so wrong? Its not like i forget my malay roots. Its not like im not admitting im malay. gosh. sometimes its so hard to be urself you know. especially in a place where i am..

wahai si pari-pari

tinggal lah pari-pari,
di mana kan ku cari pengganti,

tanpamu di sisi,
penuhilah dikau dgn cintanya,
kerna dia yang kan kau terima,

wahai pari-pari,
sayangilah dia,
kerna cintanya suci,
suci seperti kasih sang bidadari..