Nationals, a devestating defeat no one expected.

Yes, as some of you might know by now, kedah lost in the National Secondary School English Drama Competition. Heres how the whole drama came about.

We started around February 2008. The auditions, the choosing people. Kicking out people and looking for new replacements. Waiting for our McD, canteen food and Shen Yee's mum, aunty linda to bring food which most of the time I and Ellisya couldn't eat because its not halal. Skipping class and staying back for practice. All part parcel of our drama life.

TUP TAP TUP TAP,the letter for nationals came. Right before my maths exam. great timing right? yea. But what the hell. We were going to actually going to labuan. even the thought of labuan just sent chills down my spine with a little spice of excitement. We had to find a replacement for dear Joyce as she had to sit for the PMR trials. So we took Grace Chu Qing Wen, since she was last year's leading role. Grace was feeling guilty about taking over Joyce's part but we told her it was for the team,for Labuan,for Nationals. =)

Then the day to arrived. We gathered at school at 7.30 and did a last checkup of our props. All our parents and relatives help unload the props unto the bus. but the bus driver came late and we had to wait for him until about 9.30 or 10. So we all laid around till he came and got on the bus. A few goodbyes were said to our mummys and daddys. and also teachers son. *wink wink* hehe.

On the bus,i couldn't really sleep. The fright and cough mixed together was stopping me from sleeping like Ellisya. a constant thought of forgetting my lines on stage was haunting me all night.We arrived at KLIA around 6 in the morning and unloaded our props and put them on the trolleys. Imagine the looks people gave us when they saw all those big boxes and bags. We didn't care. We were going to win this. One for all and all for one right. We were checking in our things and I looked again at the checklist several times checking if all the props were present. Then we saw another team checking in. They didn't seem to have much props. Or maybe ours were too much. Hehe. Oh well, we all waited for our flight and met another team there. The Selangors. And i saw this oh so cute guy whom reminded me of Jinho form Sabah's team last year. His name is Riyal. But he seemed more intrested in Ellisya so i didn't care much. Pn Vasanthi told me to stay focus in my aim so i did.

After about two hours on flight, we arrived in Labuan. So we got down and took all our props. THEN, we couldn't find our smoke machine. SMOKE MACHINE PEOPLE! its the DAYUMN FACTOR for the imaginary scenes. Then after searching high and low, calling him and her, asking this and that. We still couldnt find it. We then headed to BETA apartment, an apartment that we were going to stay in for 4 nights. We had to mix around with the others states because we had to share our apartment with the other states. Me and Ellisya had to stay with the Kelantans and Labuans. We told ourselves we wont be the snobbish type. We'd be friendly and courteous. Then that night Pn Vasanthi said the Kelantan teacher wanted to change rooms with us. I was too lazy to get up and pack and told teacher what we'd move tomorrow night. Me and Lisya were to tired to even talk that night and dozed off while charging our phones.

The next morning we got up at 7 and went to Shen Yee's room. We then put our props on a trolley cik mazlyana stole from the hotel *He-He* and transported it to the auditorium. We got there and had our breakfast which was packed and cold and not so nice. =) SP food is better. then we started fixing our props. Eng Siang Steve and the guys started bolting in the frames. I helped cik mazlyana with the trolley and some other stuff. Around 12.30 we went for our Penyesuaian Pentas. It was horrible. We didn't know what to do, we didn't know where to put our props,NO WAIT.they didn't even prepare a place for us to put our props. just a small room for all the contingents. WTF?! did those people actually think all 16 contingents could put ALL their props in THAT room? gee, i could say, even KUALA MUDA YAN'S organizers were way better at organizing this thing.credits to them. =)

Back to labuan, after the penyesuaian pentas, we went back to our fixing our props. we finished around 5 something and went to eat pizza with our dear teachers Pn vasanthi n cik mazlyana. makan makan makan. we went back to our hotel. Me and ellisya went back and took our bags and moved to teachers room. While we were practicing in teachers room, a JPN officer came and said she has to crash in our room. So me and lisya had to sleep on the floor, in teachers room. HA HA HA! its not that often you get to do that right. Me and ellisya were disturbing pn vasanthi like crazy. whispering here and there, mengajuk dia cam gila. ahaha. and she'll always be saying "you girls are going to miss me you know.." hahaha. =) yes teacher.i miss you dearly.

The DAY finally arrived. We got up at 4.30 and got all dressed up. I couldn't look at all puppets cause i was scared of their make-up. But pn vasanthi cut some sense into me and i had to look at wei hung at last. I was a bit shaken by the makeup but held myself together for the teams sake. i just had to imagine i was someone else, ROSE PARKER, and wei hung was BOBBY BLEAKER, not a clown,an imaginary puppet friend who was there to help a friend in need.

Then we were up to perform. The lift door was open, n we took our props up. Kelantan was performing then, We put our props on each side. Then after Kelantan finished, we set up our props within 5 minutes. The timer started before we were ready. But we went on anyways. the team was awesome. we covered all our mistakes tremendously. even wei hung did awesome covering up. credits to wei hung. 20 minutes were done, and steve said we exceeded 48 seconds cause the timer started early. we cleared the stage and transported all our props downstairs, by STAIRS! it was hard to do,but as a team we did it. we went downstairs and took our lunch. we went back to the hotel cause we were too tired to watch the other teams.

When we got up is was already evening. We got headed to the auditorium for the result for finals. but on the way there, Jordan called, he said we didn't make it to the finals. i thought it was another prank of his. but then he talked to teacher and a gut feeling in me was saying "eh.he's talking to teacher. it cant be a prank.no way.this cant be happening". then we rushed to the auditorium.some other teams gave us the cold look which none of us understood why. when we got there, i took off my cap and saw catherine,grace,xin pei,mabel,shen yee,jordan,wei hung,ayam,eng siang,erika and divyang with dissapointed faces. then we saw steve coming down the stairs and said "we didn't get it. only penang,negeri sembilan, perak, melaka,selangor, and KL. and teacher was like "WHAT?! NEGERI SEMBILAN? THE GARBAGE BIN TALES?!" we were like" why what wrong????" she said "u have to watch it to know.tomorrow everybody watch the finals.and we watch how good they are. until we didn't qualify for the finals" i broke into tears. i couldn't control my tears. i mean,i couldn't digest this.it was something i couldn't accept. something so strong,shouldn't have made me that weak. the thought of cutting myself again came to my mind.i wanted to just throw everything away. i wanted to just bleed like never before.i wanted to jump off that building and forget everything. but my friends made me realised, i made a promise. and if i did start cutting myself,i'd just be dishonest to myself.

We then just started dismentalling our props. steve was outrageous and started to kick the frame. i could see the rage in his eyes.even the tears couldn't cover how mad he was with the result. Then the JPN lady said to me" Nak buat macam mana? dah kalah kan. kalau orang lain menang kita kena la kalah.kita terima ja keputusan. dah kita tak cukup bagoih kita kena tau la.kita jangan dok kata kita ni bagoih sgt. orang laen lagi bagoih dari kita, depa dapat la masok finals" i felt like kicking her ass and pushing her down the stairs. she wasnt with us for the past 6 months. suddenly she says it like she was with us all this while. like FUCK OFF BITCH we know we were good. and we deserve what we worked for bitch. and shut up and the the hell off motherfucker.

I have nothing more to say. We enjoyed ourselves after that. we went to the beach and drank some coconut,played volleyball with the selangors.we even spent the night with the Selangorians till 4 in the morning. Then we got to the Labuan airport and checked in. The Selangors were there too! Then we got on the flight and reached KLIA. There, that bitchy JPN officer got off and i said "THANK GOD I DONT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH YOU AGAIN!" *he he he*. We got our props and headed down to the bus. There, i exchanged numbers with Riyal. =) weeee.

We got on the bus and headed back to SP. When we reached school, parents and even Vijay was there. We were all tired from the travelling and we still were talking about how unsatisfied we were about the results.

Oh well,im here to say, DRAMA TEAM, im gona miss you guys. especially the form 5. schools not gonna be the same without you. and teachers, without you, i wouldn't be what i am now. the strong bitch that is willing to sacrifice and be patient. drama has changed me. and i believe it has changed most of the team members. =)

Together we smile and cry, together we are champions,and together we are a family,a heartbeat, and a memory that i will never forget.i love you guys. =)

Nationals, Labuan, Drama, Conflict.

CHA!

damn man. we're going to labuan. its what we've been dreaming for all this while. SMKI NUMBER 1, LABUAN LABUAN HERE WE COME. that doesnt seem enough. now that we're actualy going to labuan, i could see that everyone just lost theyre mood. i mean, yea, i lost mine too. but sedar la wey, we'r goin to nationals. and we suck. personally speaking weh, wer not that good okey. and like, so many people are having high hopes on us. and wat vasanthi said just now about the pengetua,the school,hasani all those ppl sponsoring us its like, WHOA, WAKE UP CALL! we really need to work our asses off for this man. we have a chance in winning this. tapi so many problems. one after the other.tolong la guys, lets get our heads back together. remember how it felt winning districts n states? lets go through it again. last year announcing us as 4th placers was like, DAMN,BIAQ BETOI! we worked our asses off for that n we got 4th? like wtf man? but this year we have a chance ppl. a big chance. we can rule nationals. we can prove to those other states yang kedah ni bukan bodo piang tau. huah! nationals means so much. guys, i've been praying day and night utk dapat cahaya to win nationals!!! it means so muchhh!! argh! korang paham ah wehh. and its like,vasanthis last year. so mesti la dia nk tgk kita menang kan. and kesian steve aso, hes working damn hard for us. n hes taking spm this year. cam tak kesian ka kt dia? we gotta win this guys. and prove to the teachers that have been talking bad about us. we really need this man. we gotta prove it to them. CHA! common la cha. we the man ryte? ibrahim number 1 cha. drama team SMKI number 1. =) i love you guys forever. the team, the memories n the glory we had meant the world to me. =)

Dream Come True. =)

SMKI DRAMA TEAM 2008. My life, My dream, My family

Alhamdulillah.

Thats all i can say. im so grateful i got best actress. its a dream come true. but what really upsets me is, i cant remember a single thing about that oh so special day. aku pon taktau kenapa aku tak ingat langsung. i do remember some things lah. but not in detail. all i remember is that morning, me n ellisya woke up late, got ready in under 10 minutes, picked up Putra, went to 7-11 sebab nak topup, arrived at school at about 5.20 i suppose, waited for cik mazlyana to come, she came late too.

Then pn vasanthi came, we put our make up on, i did Wei Hung and Dinyang's hair as usual, then pn vasanthi put on make up on me. Then somebody put make up on Wei Hung and made him look like a CLOWN. aiyo. that was the worst part of the morning. i couldnt even look at his face during our last sessions of practice. and pn vasanthi was like "dont worry eza,he's not a clown, he's a puppet" but in my head i had images of him killing me already. Yes, i have issues with clowns,dolls and puppets. but i overcame the puppet thing. just not the doll and clowns. =)

Oh, and we found out that Jordan, our music man was sick or something, so we had to call in Vijay, for last minute replacements. We were all afraid something might just go wrong. And praying for everything to go smoothly.

Cik mazlyana told me that morning, "you can get best actress eza." im like "never lah cikgu, i think you should tell that to erika.she deserves it more than i do." Before we got on the bus, a few good luck wishes and hugs were given from my dearest friends. Then we got on the bus, as i was about to listen to my ipod, pn shima told me to rehearse my lines with putra,since wei hung was doing it with pn vasanthi. so i did, then tiba2 i forgot my lines. and couldnt remember it at all, so i went to catherine and steve,cuz that scene involved them too, baru la ingat lepas cat cakap.fiuh.nasib baik gila. I was telling everyone who had lines with me to just go on with their lines if i forgot mine. I was never as nervous as this before.

Then we arrived in Keat Hwa (ii), berdoa non stop la. heheh. we were 3rd to perform. SMK Jitra first, then Keat Hwa (i) 2nd. Damn, there was this girl from keat hwa, damn hot. But, i kept cool, i have my amin. =) hehe.

After we performed, asma attack as usual, and went in the dewan, pn vasanthi had this look on her face that wasnt really making me relieved. lagi tansion lagi ada la. tapi takpala, i tried my best. Then we had to wait for the results. WAH! sgt mendebarkan masa tu. First they called all the schools to take the sijil penyertaan. Then placings. All 15 of us were on the floor,holding hand, hoping for what we were dreaming of all this while, Labuan. The announcer "and first runner up, SMK J" we were all screaming halfway, and remembered what our teacher said, dont shout yet till they say our name. "and first place, SMK IBRAHIM KMY!"
Oh that moment ment alot to me. I felt a feeling that i didnt feel often. the feeling that i pleased pn vasanthi. Then they announced best performer. I heard "Uncle August from team number 2" So i didnt really give a damn. Then suddenly "Rose Parker, from team number 3." i was like "huh? aku ka? betoi ka weh? and naveen was pushing me and telling me it was really me. hah. bodo gila. naik pentas mcm nak p jumpa clown,teragak2 ja. heh. i winked pn vasanthi, tapi dia tak nampak kot. i got down from the stage, and headed straight towards her to give her a big hug. =)

We had lunch with my mama, and she was like "haa, ni dapat best actress nk jadi pelakon ka." i was quite but i said to myself "kalau ada rezeki,apa salahnya.heh" And she talked to pn vasanthi about my studies la bla bla bla. and pn vasanthi had to make me promise her im gona study hard and all that crap. tapi i'll do it to make mama and pn vasanthi happy. =)

And, for Labuan, i hope to do it again, no wait, BETTER. and make pn vasanthi, pn shima, cik mazlyana,cikgu ramli, and of course my mama who's been ISHing since God knows when, happy.
SMKI NUMBER 1. =)

when will they day that someone appreciates me come?

aku sangat tertekan pada saat ini.

boleke ni? aku rasa mcm takbole ja. fine2. im not gonna put my hopes too high for best performer. sbb memang2 confirm im not getting it kan. so, whats the use of me hoping for something i know im not gonna get. tapi at least, at least some praises. selama ini, aku denga ja org puji dia. aku? bila aku nk dipuji? bukan nya aku nk mintak, tp aku rasa cam tak dihargai tau. maybe its just myself, but, i dono, im just too pressured. i dont know why i feel so guilty.i dont know why im feeling guilty. was it my fault shes like this? tapi aku terlalu MANJA? WADAFAK?!! aku yg manja? weyh. tolongla. kau yg tak bole terima kritikan kan? aku pulak yg kena. ISH. i feel like i dont have a part in drama anymore. the limelights on her. and her alone. suma orang pon cakap camtu. kalau camtu, why dint i just kill myself yesterday? kenapa aku stop setengah jalan? sebab im not selfish. i think of others. and aku taknak la sebab aku ja, vasanthi rasa bebanan. aiyo. i feel guilty la babi!! i feel like im so useless. and worthless. heartless too. and oh so unappreciated.




bila aku nk sedar yang aku ni sangatlah berharga pada drama ini. aku masih tertanya2. adakah aku diperlukan?

Dont blame me.

Today

AziE (6/19/2008 5:31:29 PM): btw hunie...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:31:47 PM): nowdays u sound so difff...
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:31:53 PM): diff?
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:31:55 PM): why?
AziE (6/19/2008 5:32:57 PM): last tyme u r one of da cheekiest person i noe...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:33:02 PM): but nowdayss....
AziE (6/19/2008 5:33:09 PM): u sound so sadd...
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:33:16 PM): i knw
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:33:20 PM): its the stress
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:33:24 PM): after this is all over
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:33:32 PM): i hope i become the eza i used to be
AziE (6/19/2008 5:33:57 PM): urm..
AziE (6/19/2008 5:34:01 PM): i hope u will...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:34:20 PM): coz wut ilyke about da old eza da most is....
AziE (6/19/2008 5:34:32 PM): she always noe wut she wants...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:34:43 PM): n she alwys try 2 go fo it...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:34:55 PM): n she neva regret although she din get it...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:35:01 PM): coz she tried her best...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:35:19 PM): n ders always a smile from her 2 evry1 around her...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:35:22 PM): all da tyme...

this conversation meant alot to me. i realized that i really have changed. but dont blame me. its the stress and pressure im going through. But im not blaming anyone. I look at vasanthi and see so much stress. u can see it her eyes. and somehow, i feel so guilty. i'm trying so hard to make her happy with the team, tapi macam tak cukup. i think maybe the team needs some prep talking just to make them know where we stand. I dont want to think on the negative side, but please people, we suck. i admit it. we suck. do u want to see the other schools take that trophy, the trophy that belongs to us? haish. aku tansion la ngan korang ni. ngn diri aku pon aku tansion gak. tolong la aku wey. its my last year in drama. and i really want to win. Labuan dey.

its all Drama baby!

im not the confident lil bitch i used to be. im just plain eza now. not the one who would always shout out loud how cute and awesome she is, but the one who would just shout and swear. why have things changed. i never thought it would be this hard this year. Adoi! there are just some things that have to change. maybe its just not my time yet. at times i just feel like killing myself for not doing it right. then i ask myself "what for kill yourself?" and my consciousness would reply back "because your not worth it bitch."

I have a scar for every wrong doing i've done for every practice. Today's practice not good enough? _____________ another line on my arm. what about tomorrow? Nope? ______ another red line.


another day another drama,
i wait in patience for a praise,
but in patience it never came,
maybe the name isn't for me,
but i hope one day it'll come for me to see.


Drama SMKI, we can do it babes! We're the best! And no one, not even no f***** from those other schools can. We rock bitches! (:

best actress?

humph. another day another drama.

as usual, practice started at around 9. and as usual puan shima would come in and force us all to get on the stage. i dont blame her. we're all thick-sculled. theres this new drama teacher, cik mazlyana. comel ja orangnya. suka. shes really nice and friendly. ive had this "crush" on her since i saw her at the koperasi a few months ago. but this isnt about her. its about me.

Eza,
i work my ass off on the stage.and suddenly someone else gets the praises. im not blaming anyone here, she is good. but the part that she plays is easy. i mean, try u being a maid. id love to do that. and could u play a depressed little girl? its hard. damn hard. but i tried my best to make pn vasanthi happy. and for myself.
The Form 6ers came in to watch our play. But the reaction from them was dissapointing. Well yeah we kinda screwed up a lil. But one of them said "i could only see the maid's expressions, the others wernt very expressive." Okey, i took it. I accepted it. Maybe i could fix myself with those comments.
Then pn vasanthi called for her oh so popular semi-circular meeting. She wasnt happy with the rehearsal we had. tapi tak pa la. dengar ja dia beleter. Then the most shocking thing i could ever hear in my drama life came. Pn shima said "i dont see the purpose of eza and wei hung on the stage anymore. I only see ERIKA." Like WTF man? If u dont see the purpose of me on the stage then kick me out of the team lah. I dont know about wei hung, but what she said hurt me deep. How deep? Deep enough that i had to excuse myself and hold my tears till i got to the toilet. I dont cry over crappy stuff, but that just made me feel bad.

Im not saying Erika isnt good. She is. But pn vasanthi and pn shima always tell her she might get best actress. Did they ever tell me that? Nope. I've been wanting it since last year. Not even once. Pn vasanthi said to me once "eza i want you to do the best. i know what u can do." Well yea. But do u know how presurred i am. Even the pengetua spoke to me face to face "saya nak kamu menang.tapi kamu kena balance la studies kamu" WEI MAMPOIIH LA AKU!

and about the how deep.the picture shows it.