Nationals, Labuan, Drama, Conflict.

CHA!

damn man. we're going to labuan. its what we've been dreaming for all this while. SMKI NUMBER 1, LABUAN LABUAN HERE WE COME. that doesnt seem enough. now that we're actualy going to labuan, i could see that everyone just lost theyre mood. i mean, yea, i lost mine too. but sedar la wey, we'r goin to nationals. and we suck. personally speaking weh, wer not that good okey. and like, so many people are having high hopes on us. and wat vasanthi said just now about the pengetua,the school,hasani all those ppl sponsoring us its like, WHOA, WAKE UP CALL! we really need to work our asses off for this man. we have a chance in winning this. tapi so many problems. one after the other.tolong la guys, lets get our heads back together. remember how it felt winning districts n states? lets go through it again. last year announcing us as 4th placers was like, DAMN,BIAQ BETOI! we worked our asses off for that n we got 4th? like wtf man? but this year we have a chance ppl. a big chance. we can rule nationals. we can prove to those other states yang kedah ni bukan bodo piang tau. huah! nationals means so much. guys, i've been praying day and night utk dapat cahaya to win nationals!!! it means so muchhh!! argh! korang paham ah wehh. and its like,vasanthis last year. so mesti la dia nk tgk kita menang kan. and kesian steve aso, hes working damn hard for us. n hes taking spm this year. cam tak kesian ka kt dia? we gotta win this guys. and prove to the teachers that have been talking bad about us. we really need this man. we gotta prove it to them. CHA! common la cha. we the man ryte? ibrahim number 1 cha. drama team SMKI number 1. =) i love you guys forever. the team, the memories n the glory we had meant the world to me. =)

Dream Come True. =)

SMKI DRAMA TEAM 2008. My life, My dream, My family

Alhamdulillah.

Thats all i can say. im so grateful i got best actress. its a dream come true. but what really upsets me is, i cant remember a single thing about that oh so special day. aku pon taktau kenapa aku tak ingat langsung. i do remember some things lah. but not in detail. all i remember is that morning, me n ellisya woke up late, got ready in under 10 minutes, picked up Putra, went to 7-11 sebab nak topup, arrived at school at about 5.20 i suppose, waited for cik mazlyana to come, she came late too.

Then pn vasanthi came, we put our make up on, i did Wei Hung and Dinyang's hair as usual, then pn vasanthi put on make up on me. Then somebody put make up on Wei Hung and made him look like a CLOWN. aiyo. that was the worst part of the morning. i couldnt even look at his face during our last sessions of practice. and pn vasanthi was like "dont worry eza,he's not a clown, he's a puppet" but in my head i had images of him killing me already. Yes, i have issues with clowns,dolls and puppets. but i overcame the puppet thing. just not the doll and clowns. =)

Oh, and we found out that Jordan, our music man was sick or something, so we had to call in Vijay, for last minute replacements. We were all afraid something might just go wrong. And praying for everything to go smoothly.

Cik mazlyana told me that morning, "you can get best actress eza." im like "never lah cikgu, i think you should tell that to erika.she deserves it more than i do." Before we got on the bus, a few good luck wishes and hugs were given from my dearest friends. Then we got on the bus, as i was about to listen to my ipod, pn shima told me to rehearse my lines with putra,since wei hung was doing it with pn vasanthi. so i did, then tiba2 i forgot my lines. and couldnt remember it at all, so i went to catherine and steve,cuz that scene involved them too, baru la ingat lepas cat cakap.fiuh.nasib baik gila. I was telling everyone who had lines with me to just go on with their lines if i forgot mine. I was never as nervous as this before.

Then we arrived in Keat Hwa (ii), berdoa non stop la. heheh. we were 3rd to perform. SMK Jitra first, then Keat Hwa (i) 2nd. Damn, there was this girl from keat hwa, damn hot. But, i kept cool, i have my amin. =) hehe.

After we performed, asma attack as usual, and went in the dewan, pn vasanthi had this look on her face that wasnt really making me relieved. lagi tansion lagi ada la. tapi takpala, i tried my best. Then we had to wait for the results. WAH! sgt mendebarkan masa tu. First they called all the schools to take the sijil penyertaan. Then placings. All 15 of us were on the floor,holding hand, hoping for what we were dreaming of all this while, Labuan. The announcer "and first runner up, SMK J" we were all screaming halfway, and remembered what our teacher said, dont shout yet till they say our name. "and first place, SMK IBRAHIM KMY!"
Oh that moment ment alot to me. I felt a feeling that i didnt feel often. the feeling that i pleased pn vasanthi. Then they announced best performer. I heard "Uncle August from team number 2" So i didnt really give a damn. Then suddenly "Rose Parker, from team number 3." i was like "huh? aku ka? betoi ka weh? and naveen was pushing me and telling me it was really me. hah. bodo gila. naik pentas mcm nak p jumpa clown,teragak2 ja. heh. i winked pn vasanthi, tapi dia tak nampak kot. i got down from the stage, and headed straight towards her to give her a big hug. =)

We had lunch with my mama, and she was like "haa, ni dapat best actress nk jadi pelakon ka." i was quite but i said to myself "kalau ada rezeki,apa salahnya.heh" And she talked to pn vasanthi about my studies la bla bla bla. and pn vasanthi had to make me promise her im gona study hard and all that crap. tapi i'll do it to make mama and pn vasanthi happy. =)

And, for Labuan, i hope to do it again, no wait, BETTER. and make pn vasanthi, pn shima, cik mazlyana,cikgu ramli, and of course my mama who's been ISHing since God knows when, happy.
SMKI NUMBER 1. =)

when will they day that someone appreciates me come?

aku sangat tertekan pada saat ini.

boleke ni? aku rasa mcm takbole ja. fine2. im not gonna put my hopes too high for best performer. sbb memang2 confirm im not getting it kan. so, whats the use of me hoping for something i know im not gonna get. tapi at least, at least some praises. selama ini, aku denga ja org puji dia. aku? bila aku nk dipuji? bukan nya aku nk mintak, tp aku rasa cam tak dihargai tau. maybe its just myself, but, i dono, im just too pressured. i dont know why i feel so guilty.i dont know why im feeling guilty. was it my fault shes like this? tapi aku terlalu MANJA? WADAFAK?!! aku yg manja? weyh. tolongla. kau yg tak bole terima kritikan kan? aku pulak yg kena. ISH. i feel like i dont have a part in drama anymore. the limelights on her. and her alone. suma orang pon cakap camtu. kalau camtu, why dint i just kill myself yesterday? kenapa aku stop setengah jalan? sebab im not selfish. i think of others. and aku taknak la sebab aku ja, vasanthi rasa bebanan. aiyo. i feel guilty la babi!! i feel like im so useless. and worthless. heartless too. and oh so unappreciated.




bila aku nk sedar yang aku ni sangatlah berharga pada drama ini. aku masih tertanya2. adakah aku diperlukan?

Dont blame me.

Today

AziE (6/19/2008 5:31:29 PM): btw hunie...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:31:47 PM): nowdays u sound so difff...
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:31:53 PM): diff?
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:31:55 PM): why?
AziE (6/19/2008 5:32:57 PM): last tyme u r one of da cheekiest person i noe...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:33:02 PM): but nowdayss....
AziE (6/19/2008 5:33:09 PM): u sound so sadd...
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:33:16 PM): i knw
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:33:20 PM): its the stress
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:33:24 PM): after this is all over
eZa the DorK (6/19/2008 5:33:32 PM): i hope i become the eza i used to be
AziE (6/19/2008 5:33:57 PM): urm..
AziE (6/19/2008 5:34:01 PM): i hope u will...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:34:20 PM): coz wut ilyke about da old eza da most is....
AziE (6/19/2008 5:34:32 PM): she always noe wut she wants...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:34:43 PM): n she alwys try 2 go fo it...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:34:55 PM): n she neva regret although she din get it...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:35:01 PM): coz she tried her best...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:35:19 PM): n ders always a smile from her 2 evry1 around her...
AziE (6/19/2008 5:35:22 PM): all da tyme...

this conversation meant alot to me. i realized that i really have changed. but dont blame me. its the stress and pressure im going through. But im not blaming anyone. I look at vasanthi and see so much stress. u can see it her eyes. and somehow, i feel so guilty. i'm trying so hard to make her happy with the team, tapi macam tak cukup. i think maybe the team needs some prep talking just to make them know where we stand. I dont want to think on the negative side, but please people, we suck. i admit it. we suck. do u want to see the other schools take that trophy, the trophy that belongs to us? haish. aku tansion la ngan korang ni. ngn diri aku pon aku tansion gak. tolong la aku wey. its my last year in drama. and i really want to win. Labuan dey.

its all Drama baby!

im not the confident lil bitch i used to be. im just plain eza now. not the one who would always shout out loud how cute and awesome she is, but the one who would just shout and swear. why have things changed. i never thought it would be this hard this year. Adoi! there are just some things that have to change. maybe its just not my time yet. at times i just feel like killing myself for not doing it right. then i ask myself "what for kill yourself?" and my consciousness would reply back "because your not worth it bitch."

I have a scar for every wrong doing i've done for every practice. Today's practice not good enough? _____________ another line on my arm. what about tomorrow? Nope? ______ another red line.


another day another drama,
i wait in patience for a praise,
but in patience it never came,
maybe the name isn't for me,
but i hope one day it'll come for me to see.


Drama SMKI, we can do it babes! We're the best! And no one, not even no f***** from those other schools can. We rock bitches! (:

best actress?

humph. another day another drama.

as usual, practice started at around 9. and as usual puan shima would come in and force us all to get on the stage. i dont blame her. we're all thick-sculled. theres this new drama teacher, cik mazlyana. comel ja orangnya. suka. shes really nice and friendly. ive had this "crush" on her since i saw her at the koperasi a few months ago. but this isnt about her. its about me.

Eza,
i work my ass off on the stage.and suddenly someone else gets the praises. im not blaming anyone here, she is good. but the part that she plays is easy. i mean, try u being a maid. id love to do that. and could u play a depressed little girl? its hard. damn hard. but i tried my best to make pn vasanthi happy. and for myself.
The Form 6ers came in to watch our play. But the reaction from them was dissapointing. Well yeah we kinda screwed up a lil. But one of them said "i could only see the maid's expressions, the others wernt very expressive." Okey, i took it. I accepted it. Maybe i could fix myself with those comments.
Then pn vasanthi called for her oh so popular semi-circular meeting. She wasnt happy with the rehearsal we had. tapi tak pa la. dengar ja dia beleter. Then the most shocking thing i could ever hear in my drama life came. Pn shima said "i dont see the purpose of eza and wei hung on the stage anymore. I only see ERIKA." Like WTF man? If u dont see the purpose of me on the stage then kick me out of the team lah. I dont know about wei hung, but what she said hurt me deep. How deep? Deep enough that i had to excuse myself and hold my tears till i got to the toilet. I dont cry over crappy stuff, but that just made me feel bad.

Im not saying Erika isnt good. She is. But pn vasanthi and pn shima always tell her she might get best actress. Did they ever tell me that? Nope. I've been wanting it since last year. Not even once. Pn vasanthi said to me once "eza i want you to do the best. i know what u can do." Well yea. But do u know how presurred i am. Even the pengetua spoke to me face to face "saya nak kamu menang.tapi kamu kena balance la studies kamu" WEI MAMPOIIH LA AKU!

and about the how deep.the picture shows it.

bestfriends

argh!apsal la aku.apsal aku xley pecayakan kawan baek aku sniri.i mean.gosh.she's my best friend oke.and him too.he's my best friend.takkan dia nk tikam blakang aku kot kan.dia sayang aku kan.aku kena percayakan diorg.putra,putra.i love u.*as a bestfriend*. and please dont stab my back.i know how you do it. but please.i trust u.u trust.kita saling mengetrust. kan kan.ngarot aja.tapi seyes.terus terang aku ckap,aku ni mmg lemah.aku xpnah xpercayakan kawan.kawan itu hidup buat aku.tanpa kawan,aku tidak ada apa2.kawan2ku lah harta ku.tapi apsal arh dia cam marah aku ja.aku buat salah ka.yaya.aku mmg incomplete.tapi tidak pernah ada niat dalam hati aku nk sakitkan kawan2 aku.bukan aku nak kata aku ni mulia,tapi aku x jahat pon.aku jahat kat org yg jahat ngn aku ja.tapi skang i think im learning to control my feelings.but anyways.im sorry for hurting anyone.i suck.yes i do.im aware of that.but you dont have to rub it in anymore.aku nyesal apa yg aku dah buat.tapi aku harapkan kepercayaan yg penuh dari kawan2.aku cuma mahukan kebahagiaan dan keamanan.bukan senyuman2 palsu yg dicoretkan dia muka korang.sedih oh.tapi xpa.aku sabar ja ngn dunia ni.sbb aku tau tuhan mentakdirkan segala yg dilakukan ke atas kita.and setiap apa yg berlaku ada hikmahnya.so aku terima dgn hati terbuka.nnt mata yg masih sepet ini!hehe.skarang masa untuk studyyy.exam mid year wey.susah sial.aku harus usaha.tapi puan zurina ckp aku dah baek dah skang..cewah.bangga sattt. =]